Merry Christmas Me Arse...

Thank God that bollox is over...

I went to the supermarket to get some bananas
and juice and waited a fucking hour in a queue
because everyone was buying stuff like war was
about to break out and they needed to stock up
the bunker pantry.

Scared the holy shit out of me.

Then there was the endless loud radio advertising
that the store felt obliged to inflict upon us for those
too dumb to know what they wanted to buy.

No joking...This is what chimed from the speakers...

"Have you tried pineapples yet?
A pineapple is a tropical fruit that's prickly on the
outside and has a green bushel of stiff leaves on top."

For fucks sake...

"It's recognizable by it's distinctive yellow golden color
and rough, square pointed exotic pattern."

Arse...

"Pineapples are usually peeled and cored as the skin is inedible!"

Feck...

"This incredible fruit has a pleasant sweet taste and a fragrance
just like the flowers of paradise"

Suck my willy...

"And it's rich in vitamins too!"

I should fuckin' hope so...They're bloody expensive enough!

"So come on...grab a pineapple today and experience the
amazing taste of the Caribbean"

Was I the only one losing it? Everyone else seemed oblivious!

Almost at the checkout...Hey! What's that?!?

A giant plasma TV screen at the checkout.

"Amaze your friends..."

Jaysus NO! A last kick up the arse before I leave the store.

As if my nerve ends weren't frazzled enough!

"The "Clever Clasp" closes by itself"

Oh No...

And turned up so loud that it was distorted...

"Even with long fingernails or extreme back pain"

Fuck off...That's it...

"You get three of each...that's right...three...of each..."

"Three silver and three gold"

"Be the envy of your friends with these self-closing,
magnetic neck charms"

Phew...Silence...There must be a break for a few minutes...

No such fuckin' luck...

The speakers... BOOM!

"Instant sealer (Baywatch (or bad 80's porn) like music - think cheesy rock)"

"Don't know what to do with those leftovers?"

"(Man tries to put turkey into a tupperware container
obviously way too small for the chunk of poultry in his
hand with a look on his face like he just forgot his own
first name and knew he would never remember it again)"

"Introducing...Tah Dah..."Instant Sealer"...

When i got out, I sucked on a cigarette so hard that it imploded.

Did I mention the parking fine...Shite...

Later...