Keep Your Friends Close...

...And Your Enemies Even Closer...

Don't give me a big fat pain in my crotch!

Who wrote that garbage and am I supposed
to pause silently with glazed eyes and contemplate
such codswollop...NO!

If somebody is takin' the piss then it doesn't matter
what name they go by, they are not my friends...
So they can feck off...
And if they are my enemies then they can feck off
even further and shaggin' well stay there!!!

I'll tell you who invented this pseudo Buddhist kinder-egg
philosophy...Shall I?

It was those cunts who walk around thinking they are
cleverer than the rest of us or those who want to control
the little shit-shoveling minions through fear.

Well, I'll tell you what...you ain't clever...

And if someone tries to quote another one of those sayings
in order to control the situation or provide a flash of
enlightenment, I'll tell them to lodge it up the darkest
recesses of their airtight bung holes.

And as for new years resolutions...the EU has already made
the choice for me by taking away my cigarette liberties.
The ding-dongs were more than happy to make extortionate
taxes for the last century but now that it's hurting their pockets
they suddenly ban them...Makes one feel like a slut!

How much prozac and valium were consumed by over-stressed
moms this Christmas? Phooey, stinky chemical mass produced
drugs...and they deny me my puff?!?

Open your eyes folks...they have you over the table and you do
it smiling all the time...
We gotta stop playing whore to the powers that be and start making
decisions for ourselves.

Speaking of extortion...My health insurance...but that's another story...

Later...

The Drinking Irish | Irish Jokes

Shure...We'll go for the one...

The most dangerous fuckin' sentence you'll
ever hear!?!

If you suspect the person uttering it is Irish...
As Monty Python say: "Run away, Run away..."

Of course if you're Irish like I am then you know
that one is never enough...The session begins...

Session has many meanings to an Irish person.
But the two most popular are long bouts of drinking
or a gathering of traditional musicians and they
somehow always seem to collide.
This is called a "hoolie"...lmao

Irish "paddy" whiskey fills sipped gaps left over
by the Guinness gulps.

Let the slaggin' match begin...

But jokin' aside...I have been pissed as a coot...

And it's not even New Year...Christ help me...

Later...

Merry Christmas Me Arse...

Thank God that bollox is over...

I went to the supermarket to get some bananas
and juice and waited a fucking hour in a queue
because everyone was buying stuff like war was
about to break out and they needed to stock up
the bunker pantry.

Scared the holy shit out of me.

Then there was the endless loud radio advertising
that the store felt obliged to inflict upon us for those
too dumb to know what they wanted to buy.

No joking...This is what chimed from the speakers...

"Have you tried pineapples yet?
A pineapple is a tropical fruit that's prickly on the
outside and has a green bushel of stiff leaves on top."

For fucks sake...

"It's recognizable by it's distinctive yellow golden color
and rough, square pointed exotic pattern."

Arse...

"Pineapples are usually peeled and cored as the skin is inedible!"

Feck...

"This incredible fruit has a pleasant sweet taste and a fragrance
just like the flowers of paradise"

Suck my willy...

"And it's rich in vitamins too!"

I should fuckin' hope so...They're bloody expensive enough!

"So come on...grab a pineapple today and experience the
amazing taste of the Caribbean"

Was I the only one losing it? Everyone else seemed oblivious!

Almost at the checkout...Hey! What's that?!?

A giant plasma TV screen at the checkout.

"Amaze your friends..."

Jaysus NO! A last kick up the arse before I leave the store.

As if my nerve ends weren't frazzled enough!

"The "Clever Clasp" closes by itself"

Oh No...

And turned up so loud that it was distorted...

"Even with long fingernails or extreme back pain"

Fuck off...That's it...

"You get three of each...that's right...three...of each..."

"Three silver and three gold"

"Be the envy of your friends with these self-closing,
magnetic neck charms"

Phew...Silence...There must be a break for a few minutes...

No such fuckin' luck...

The speakers... BOOM!

"Instant sealer (Baywatch (or bad 80's porn) like music - think cheesy rock)"

"Don't know what to do with those leftovers?"

"(Man tries to put turkey into a tupperware container
obviously way too small for the chunk of poultry in his
hand with a look on his face like he just forgot his own
first name and knew he would never remember it again)"

"Introducing...Tah Dah..."Instant Sealer"...

When i got out, I sucked on a cigarette so hard that it imploded.

Did I mention the parking fine...Shite...

Later...

Turning Women Into Weapons...

Well...What can I say...I was flabbergasted!
The wife comes home from work and tell me the news.
Jesus...They're turning women into weapons...OH! GOD!

Well..Cannons to be more precise...that shoot babies...eek...

O.K. I'll take off my drama queen knitted cap...but just for a moment.

Apparently, Natural birth is a thing of the past.

My wife works as a midwife and she said that Doctors (capitalized and bold in order to help Doctor readers maintain their over-inflated egos) are in such a hurry these days that they give women an infusion that literally "shoots" the baby out like a cannon ball while ripping the bits concerned as a bonus. And all this without a safety net. (Brave babies)

She said it's called "Induction" so I presume there is some sort of cult ceremony involved too.

I didn't ask...

Also, the local anesthetic used to numb the lower half of these weapons of self-destruction has become a standard practice.

As for cesarean sections...well...they are now all the rage.

In fact...they are recommended as a safe option...with a few scare tactics..of course.

So if you see a blood-covered baby cruising past you on the motorway...it's not a terrorist attack...They just forgot to close the window of the maternity ward at the local hospital...

Later...

Zeitgeist - The Bloody Movie !?!

Has anybody seen this movie "Zeitgeist"?

It's mainly rehashed conspiracy theory stuff presented as truth.

It uses grotesque images at the start of dozens of half-limbed kids.

I thought bleedin' Nora.....they got my attention.

But will it really make anybody do anything!

The common folk are o.k. as long as the rent is paid, there's a bit of grub on the table and they have enough left over for 20 Benson and a few pints.

But hey! Conspiracy or not....Most people don't care who rules the world as long as "I'm alright Jack". And that scares the bejaysus out of me a lot more than Mr.George "when God was givin' out brains I got to lick the bowl" Bush.

I'm scared to have a heart attack for fear of being left to die on the street.

Can you imagine the scenario:

"Oh Christ, someone help me!!!!" (fall to ground)

(old woman comes by) "Get off them feckin drugs love...they'll be the death of you"

(Two teenagers) "Look at the state of him...Pisshead!"

(A mother with her child) "Don't look luv...If he sees us lookin' we'll have to do something and we'll be late for the bus."

As for three stars and sirius and the four seasons...etc.

Who gives a monkeys bollox.

We all know that the world is fucked up and that religion is just another busload of fat-assed, patriarchal wind bags on a power trip. Their day is almost over anyway..the churches are empty...the fire and brimstone is already here on the earth and there is no reward....grab what you can while it's going!?!

Taking the piss aside...Zeitgeist is worth a look but films like this come and go ...the people go "ooooh" and "aaaah" and there gone and nothing changes.

Until the monetary system is abolished...but that's another story...

later...

Where's The Fucking Child?

Jesus, Mary and Holy Saint Joseph and all his bleedin' sorrows.....
It's enough to drive me feckin' batty.
I don't swear to impress or be cool...I do it because I'm rightly pissed off.

I had shit loads of steam cummin' out my ear holes today and a pair of eyes that would have had the almighty himself runnin' for cover. Sept he don't exist so who gives a toss!
Anyway...What had me up in arms like a flamin' anti-christ? (Who, by the way, also doesn't exist)

It's something that's been pickin' at me scabs for ages.

I bring my daughter to the kindergarden every morning in a buggy (or stroller or pram or whatever the feck name takes your fancy) and as we cruise down the street,
her in the front wrapped up like an onion and me behind like a pack-mule that's long overdue a a good slaughtering at the glue factory, all the ol' ladies greet us and say "hello there"..."aren't you a sweetheart..."what a lovely daughter you have" and the usual shite that's expected of them.

Grand...you may think....so what's his shaggin' problem'?!?

So...let me continue....

The child goes into the kindergarden to get the programming she needs to ensure she becomes a good citizen and I feck off back home with my prambulator thing-a-ma-jiggy.

The problem starts the moment I hit the main road....every bloody day like clockwork.

"Where's your child?" followed by skittish giggles. Or "Are you missing something?"

Now I can take a joke just like the next twat. But at least 80% of the people look skaw-ways
and at least 40% of those make some sort of over-obvious shit for brains remark!

At first I thought ....o.k. you're havin' a fucked up bad day...but this has been going on for months...every day.

"Wheres The Fuckin' Child?" "She's up me feckin' arse, you cheeky cunt!"

Christ....I see so many parked cars on the street and nobody burstin' into hysterics..

"Look! A car with no driver...he he...how odd!"

Or no crowds chiming "Crikey...a bicycle tied to a lamp post and nobody riding it!?!"

Gets on me feckin goat!

I could tell you another buggy story when the shaggin wheel fell off in the bus....

But I have got enough off my hairy chest already....

Later.....